I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
