You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
