you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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