ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
