just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
