take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
