the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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