It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
