She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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