Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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