So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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