remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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