i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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