the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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