I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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