I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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