Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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