I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
