guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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