Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
