I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
