How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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