phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
