OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
