Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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