please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
