when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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