I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
