Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
