i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
