So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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