i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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