Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
