my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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