epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
