One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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