you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
