Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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