dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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