he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
