: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
