someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
