Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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