my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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