I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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