fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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