you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
