I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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