R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
