My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Boobs are out for the taking
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
